Thursday, August 18, 2005

Taking the plunge

I decided to take the plunge to typepad. I won't delete this blog, I just won't be updating it anymore.

You can follow me to my new blog here....

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I'm so happy

I could scream.

Another intern here at work just told me that in our training agreement we had sign it says 'at least 50% of training' has to related to our job. That means I should be able to get work to pay for Grad school!

This just made my day!

My Grad School Saga

Ok, maybe it's not a saga but it's more than 'I applied, got in, then started.'

First just to get everyone on the same page, I'm getting my Masters in Secondary Education. My Bachelors was in Mechanical Engineering. Yes, I know they're nothing a like. My plan is to teach high school physics, but it looks like I'll be able to teach math as well.

Anyway, I found a program through Oakland University that is for people that got their Bachelors in something other than education and are in the workplace. All classes are at night and on the weekend. I applied in April but I had to take a couple tests to get in completely.

The tests were a basic skills, which was so easy it was laughable, and then subject area tests. Now crazy me took all 3 tests on the same day so that was like 8 hours of tests. I figured I've done 3 finals on the same day, and improved my grade in all 3 classes, so I should be able to handle this. The basic skills was in the morning, math, reading and writing. I got done in an hour and a half, we were given 4.5 hours. Then I went back in the afternoon for Math and Physics. The math was ok, I felt good enough that I passed it. The physics was anohter story, it was horrible, not at all what I expected and knew I failed it.

So a few weeks later I get a conditional acceptance from OU saying that as long as I passed all the tests I was good to start in the Fall.

I went to orientation, got all nervous and excited, and then I got my test scores. Like I already knew, I dind't pass the physics part. I was worried that my plan asn't going to work out. I knew I had to dedicate 3 years to this program, could I dedicate 4?

I took my scores in last week and the secretary said someone would call me to discuss my options. I got the call yesterday. They've agreed to let me start in the Fall and rewrite my conditional acceptance agreement. I have to retake the test in October and better pass it then.

A load has been lifted, it feels great to finally know what's going on. Remember those signs I talked about, this is one letting me know I really am doing the right thing.

Now it's time to reteach myself physics and get registered to start class on August 31st!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Starting Fresh

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." — Carl Bard

This quote was sent to me today through Real Simple's Daily Thought. It so sums up everything I think.

I don't like the direction some aspects of my life is taking right now. But I sit around and go wtih the flow. This has been wearing on me for a long time, I think my job is a huge part of my problem.

I've been thinking a lot about Brian and I and if I gave up too easily, could it have worked? The real question I've been asking recenlty is, "Do I want it to work?" And the fact that I have no answer almost tells me it's not meant to be.

I'm a firm believer in signs. I feel signs are all around, there are just some we choose to notice and others we don't. It's the signs we notice that are sometimes hard to figure out, what exactly are they telling us. But then I do tend to overanalyze.

I'm trying to take each day as just that, to enjoy it and live it and then remember it, but not stop living. Definatly no easy task!

I ran across this quote in a book by Nora Roberts today....

"Does being happy alone mean you don't think you could be happy with someone?"

Unease and hope ran parallel inside her. "I guess it means I can be happy as things stand, until I find someone who not only brings me the magic, but understands it."

Did this post make any sense or was it just a bunch of random thoughts strung together?

Monday, August 15, 2005

Because there is still a smile on my face

Here's another picture. I can't get enough of this boy.

I'm getting full audio from one of his previous shows, boy will I be enjoying work tomorrow!

I promise an actual update tomorrow.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

The Clay Aiken Experience

Last night I had tickets for the Clay Aiken concert here in Detroit. My friend Karley agreed to go and see my craziness. We started with a little shopping and dinner, then headed over for the show. We got there a little early so I went up to the ticket office and asked if they had any pavilion seats open, we had lawn. The lady was kinda rude and said no. Well, I wouldn’t take no for an answer so I went to a different ticket window and surprise, surprise, they had a couple tickets. We moved fro the lawn to row E, WE HAD 5TH ROW SEATS!!!

Of course I was glowing and floating at this time. We didn’t have to rush once we got in there, my drebel made it through the check with no problems. So we get to our seats and they’re fabulous. The people next to us show up and they ahd the same thing happen and they were very nice people.

The show started with music from the 50’s. I have to tell you, I could listen to Clay singing the worst song in the world because he wild make it heavenly. He sang ‘Unchained Melody’, a song I don’t really like, and it brought tears to my eyes. He sang Elvis and did the little hip shake, I was as crazy as the girls were when Elvis was alive, he sent my heat a flutter. When he sang ‘I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You’ I felt that he was singing it to me, because I just couldn’t help falling even more in love with Clay in that moment. Then we moved on to the 60s and my favorite Clay song, 'Solitaire'. How can you not feel the emotion?? He did Motown but I honestly can’t remember most of the stuff he sang all I remember was it was perfect.

There was an intermission between the 60’s and 70’s. Now during AI this season when Anthony wore white pants I said no male should ever wear white pants. Well I need to modify that now, Clay can wear whit pants, boy can he ever. During the 70’s we got ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ just as magical as when he sang it on AI. The 80’s were fun, then we moved onto the 90’s. I felt I was showing my age. My friend and I screamed when they sang Boyz 2 Men but all the older women just sat there. But even better, he sang ‘Livin’ LaVida Loca. Yes, he sang Ricky Martin, he had me going crazy.

With this decade he sang his music. We got a melody of some of his songs and then a couple new songs and he ended with the best version of ‘Invisible’ ever! You should have felt the energy!

I told my friend a few times during the show, if only Clay would meet me, he would fall in love with me. He’s able to make fun of himself, mostly his dancing. He shared the stage with his back up singers, allowing them to sing full songs. And best of all he sang for over 2 hours!

I want to experience it all over again, and again, and again.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Softball Story

Today was Org Day at work which meant it was time for me to show my softball skills, or lack of. I've practiced 3 times in the past month for this, just so I dind't embarass myself. So game time...

We were up frist and scored a run, by the end of the first we were down 2-1. I need to point out in the rules for today all the guys had to bat their weak hand to make things go faster. Well the other team didn't follow these rules so they were hitting them pretty far into the outfield. We didn't know until they went through their line-up for the second time, but by then it was too late.

My first at bat I got tagged out at first, the second I walked. I scored one of our 2 runs in the game. I had fun though and that's all that matter.

Of courseI couldn't make it without a little injury. There was a fly ball comign at me and it hit my right hand in the pad area so my hand is a little sore toinght, at least it wasn't more serious.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

New Banner

I was ready for a change. I sat here thinking, do I have any good flower pictures but I dind't really want flowers. I looked through my pictures and thought 'MICKEY'.

These pictures are from when I was in DC and got to see all 75 statues in Federal Triangle. I went twice because it was such an awesome thing to see. I have pictures of every Mickey too, pictures that will eventually end up on a LO.

My real love for everythign Disney came about 4 years ago. I learned more about Walt Disney and his business philoshpy and just his story. It's amazing really, someone I look up to, minus the whole smoking thing.

Isn't it crazy to think if it wasn't for Mickey Mouse we might not have Disneyworld. Or worse he would have stuck with the name Mortimer Mouse. :O

A coupel weeks ago I watched Steamboat Willie for the first time and was amazed. By today's standards it's horrible but thinking about everything that was tried with that short cartoon and what it turned into, it's truely amazing.

"I only hope that we never lose sight of one thing - that it was all started by a mouse." Walt Disney

Monday, August 08, 2005

The f-word

I hate it.

I idon’t swear. I was always afraid of getting in trouble so I dind’t even say the work ‘suck’ in front of my parents for the longest time. I felt like saying ‘crap’ was swearing. I never really understood the need to swear.

Now my generation has got the f-word down pat. It seems like it’s an adjective for any and everything. It’s like it’s become a normal word, it’s not bad anymore. I say ‘fudge’ instead. Doesn’t that word sound nicer? It gives me happy thoughts where as the other word makes me cringe.

Do people think it makes them look cool to say it? I love watching Sex and the City on TBS because all the very graphic stuff plus the swearing are cut out. I’m a good girl at heart and don’t like seeing or hearing that stuff. But when shows like The Sopranos and Six Feet Under are popular of course those words are coming out more. Is it so bad that I like normal words, words that won’t get my mouth washed out with soap??

Here’s my confession. I started swearing more in the past couple years, but I always felt guility. I thought I needed to for some reason. But I’m happier now that I’ve cut it out of my vocabulary. It’s not who I am. Plus I don't want the kids I hope to have one day thinking these words are ok to say, it's easier to curb the habit now.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Weekend Update

How was your weekend? Mine was pretty relaxing overall.

Friday I left work and came home to take care of the little devil, aka our puppy. I was supposed to go to a movie with Melissa but the devil had other plans. While outside she decided to get stung by a wasp. I didn't notice right away but her eye was swollen so I called a vet and they said to bring her in right away. Of course everyone thought she was such a cutie and a sweetheart, they don't live with her. :) She's fine now, the sting barley bothered her, I wouldn't have even known if it wasn't for the eye. So instead of a movie I spent the night orangizing scrap albums and printing picutures.

Saturday I got up and got ready to head to the crop. The Scrapbook Zone was a nice store, not nice enough to make the drive jsut for the store, but one that I would make a point of going into if I was in the area. I meet some great people, was in awe of a couple others. I've decided to give 8.5x11 a try, after seeing some of the pages I figured, why not. I was a little shy, but I didn't know everyone as well so I just sat there and cropped. I got some pages done I love, others I dont' but except for a little journaling, the Hawaii album is done!

Today I did some shopping. I'm happy with myself. I walked out of many stores with nothing. I asked myself that question, "Do I really need this?" Although I've been to the mall the past 2 weekends and both times I walked out with nothing. I tried some stuff on but didn't love any of it. I came home and the little devil decided to be a bigger devil. She went runnign through the woods. I went further into them than I ever have to try to find her. Just as I was changing so I could properly search, she showed back up. She's not my favorite dog today.

Good stuff....more tomoatoes off our plants, they're growing like crazy things and they're so yummy. It's a short week at work, really only have to work Monday and Tuesday. Did some thinking although I'm no where clsoe to an answer.

And the best news....I BOOKED MY HOTEL FOR CHICAGO!!!!!

Friday, August 05, 2005

For my faithful readers

if such a thing actually exists. :) Thought I'd give you a little info on me.

~ Location: in my cubical at work
~ Zodiac Sign: the archer
~ Age: 22
~ Shoe Size: 9.5
~ Height: 5'7
~ Pets: Little Miss Crazy…aka Nani
~ Siblings: none
~ Eye color: brown
~ Hair color: brown
~ Nicknames: ozzie, noodle, manda, manders
~ What languages do you speak? english
~ Do you play sports? I’ll try anything
~ Where were you born? Mt. Clemens, MI
~ Are you a night or a morning person? Morning person
~ Are you ticklish? yep
~ Do you believe in God? I believe in a god

~*~*~*~!!!!!!Getting Personal!!!!!!~*~*~*~
~ What do you want to be when you grow up? HAPPY
~ What was the worst day of your life? Do I have to pick just one?
~ What is your most embarrassing story? I scored a basket for the other team in my first ever basketball game
~ What has been the best day of your life? Can’t think of anything
~ What comes first in your life? FAMILY
~ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? No bf, don’t know about the crush thing, it’s a little compliticated
~ What are you most scared of? Never being truly happy
~ What do you usually think about before you go to bed? What I’m going to wear the next day


~ Movie: Gone With The Wing
~ Song: Bless the Broken Road by Rascall Flatts, Inside your Heaven by Bo Bice, and You and Me by Lifehouse is slowly climbling
~ Band/Group: at the moment Rascal Flatts
~ Store: any store with Scrapbook supplies, Barnes and Noble, GAP and JCrew
~ Relative: mom and dad
~ Sport: basketball to play and hockey to watch
~ Vacation Spot: Disney World
~ Ice Cream Flavor: Thin Mint
~ Fruit: banana
~ Candy: anything chocolate
~ Car: Sebring
~ Class: Any class I had with Kim, we had so much fun in DS2
~ Holiday: Christmas
~ Day of the Week: my Friday’s off, so this only happens once every 2 weeks
~ Color: purple
~ Magazine: Creating Keepsakes

~*~*~*~>^^^^^^In the Past 24 Hours have You^^^^^^~*~*~*~
~ Had a serious talk? kinda
~ Hugged someone? Yes
~ Fought with a friend? no
~ Cried? no
~ Laughed? always
~ Made someone laugh? I think so
~ Bought something? food
~ Cut your hair? nope
~ Felt stupid? Always :P
~ Talked to someone you love? Yep
~ Missed someone? More than you know

~*~*~*~??????Have you Ever??????~*~*~*~
~ Eaten an entire box of oreos? Not in one sitting
~ Been dumped? It’s complicated
~ Had someone be unfaithful to you? no
~ Hiked a mountain? no
~ Stayed home on Saturday night, just because? That’s been happening a lot lately
~ Been in love? Yes
~ Seen the White House? Many times, now I just need to get in
~ Seen the Eiffel Tower? Not in person but someday soon I will
~ Tried smoking? no
~ Drank alcohol? Yep, but the thing is I’ll only drink something if it doesn’t taste like alcohol, which kinda defeats the purpose, so I tend to stick to the non-alcoholic variety
~ Smoked marijuana? No
~ Played monopoly? I loooooooovvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee monopoly
~ Kissed someone? Yep
~ Jumped on a trampoline? Yea!!
~ Visited another country? Canada eh! And other’s too
~ Colored in a coloring book (and had fun)? Of course
~ Had a bubble bath? Not in a long time
~ Been on a plane? Definatly
~ Been on a boat? yep
~ Been on a train? Yes sir
~ Been in a car accident? kinda
~Ridden an elephant? Sorry to say, no
~ Made a web page? Yes!!! I love web design too bad I’m not very good at it
~ Played with Barbies? Allt he time when I was little
~ Stayed up all night? A couple times at conferences
~ Shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? Of course
~ Broken a bone? My pinky finger and my middle right toe
~ Watched Jerry Springer? I usually surf right by it
~ Gotten in trouble for talking in class? Only once, ahh the memories….
~ Been in the hospital (not visiting)? Not overnight
~ Had stitches? In my mouth
~ Dumped someone and regretted it? Yes and no
~ Lied? yep
~ Been arrested? No, but that would be kinda fun (j/k)
~ Fallen asleep in class? Actually I haven’t
~ Meet a celebrity? Olympa Dukakis (sp?) was on my plane to Johnstown PA
~ Hated yourself? In a way
~ Been brokenhearted? Most definatly
~ Broken someones heart? probalby

~*~*~*~~~~~~Do You~~~~~~*~*~*~
~ Like to give hugs? Hugs are the best thing in the world
~ Like to walk in the rain? I haven’t done it in a really long time, but it’s fun
~ Sleep with or without clothes on? I always have cloths on when I sleep
~ Prefer black or blue pens? Blue, but then it has be be a certain kind, I’m very picky about my pens
~ Dress up on Halloween? Yep
~ Have a job? Yes I do, but I get to do things like this in my job
~ Like to travel? Love to travel is more like it
~ Like someone? I like almost everyone I meet
~ Do they know? I would think so
~ Sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Side, I don’t get much room with my dog hogging most of the bed
~ Think you're attractive? ummmmmm
~ Want to marry? yep
~ Who? Time will tell
~ Have a goldfish? When I was youger, which lead to many more fish
~ Ever have the falling dream? no
~ Have stuffed animals? I love them!!!
~ Go on vacation? Of course

~*~*~*~%%%%What do you think about%%%%~*~*~*~
~ Abortion: you need it for extreme cases
~ Bill Clinton: he was president, now he’s not
~ Smoking: yuck
~ Eating Disorders: they’re scary
~ Rap: could care less
~ Suicide: stupid
~ South Park: annoying
~ Summer: work
~ Tattoos: not for me
~ Piercings: again not for me
~ Make-up: fun soemtiems
~ Drinking: I can take it or leave it
~ Guys: what about them, they’re stupid most of the time
~ Girls: the best. :P.

~*~*~*~&&&&This or That&&&&~*~*~*~
~ Pierced nose or tongue? nose
~ Be serious or funny? Funny
~ Single or taken? There’s good things about both
~ Simple or Complicated? Simple
~ Law or anarchy? Law
~ MTV or VH1? MTV
~ 7th Heaven or Dawsons? 7th Heaven
~ Sugar or salt? Sugar is wonderful
~ Silver or gold? White Gold
~ Chocolate or flowers? Chocolate, but flowers are nice sometimes
~ Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise
~ M&Ms or Skittles? M & M
~ Rap or Rock? Rock
~ Stay up late or sleep in? sleep in
~ TV or radio? TV
~ Hot or cold? I don’t like being cold, but not too hot either
~ Tall members of the opposite sex or short? taller than me
~ Sun or moon? moon
~ Diamond or Ruby? Diamond
~ Left or Right? Right
~ 10 acquaintances or 1 bestfriend? 1 best friend is important
~ Vanilla or chocolate? chocolate
~ Kids or not? kids
~ Cat or dog? Dogs
~ Half empty or half full? It’s not engineered to it’s optimum efficiency ;)
~ Mustard or ketchup? Ketchup, I don’t like mustard
~ Newspaper or Magazine? Magazine
~ Spring or Fall? fall
~ Give or receive? give
~ Rain or snow? snow
~ Lace or satin? satin
~ Corduroy or plaid? corduroy
~ Sneakers or sandals? sandals
~ McDonalds or Burger King? Neither, watch Super Size Me and you’ll understand
~ Mexican or Italian food? Either, it depends on my mood
~ Lights on or off? Doesn’t matter
~ Duck tape or scotch tape? Well, duct tape can fix anything…can you tell I’m and engineer
~ House in the woods or the city? Woods!!!!!! I love my house :)
~ Pepsi or Coke? Water
~ Nike or Adidas? Whatever is cheapest

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


My post from this weekend went a little off the topic I originally wanted to discuss. I thank all of you for your comments, they have helped, I appreciate every one of them.

Just to catch everyone up to the present. I was dating Brian for a year and a half when I broke up with him at the end of April. Isn’t it funny how I can more easily tell you the day it ended than the day it started? Anyway, we actually talked through some stuff for a couple weeks seeing if there was a chance I rushed into a decision, but ultimately I was too afraid/selfish/stupid and it ended for good. It actually felt good for a little while, I was finally getting the much needed me time but then the reality of the thing set in and it’s been hard. I go through ups and downs, I can go for a week feeling good and then something happens and I get upset again, it’s the roller coaster of life.

Sunday, in an email from Brian, he said some very blunt things, but things that really made me thing. I’ve never been one to open up, to share my feelings, but what else is a relationship but a sharing of things. I took the easy way out, was too lazy to put in the real effort. For awhile I said people just didn’t understand what I was going through, they weren’t me. But I didn’t try to understand what others were going through. I keep saying if they were me, they’d understand. Those are just excuses, I realize that now. I was too set in my ways to change.

It’s funny how being too set in my ways to change ultimately made me change. My daily life has become an inspirtation for me to be a better person, to learn, to grow, to change. I want to wrong past mistakes now, if only that was possible. I want to show people I’ve changed and that I’m a better person.

I wonder if this is a journey I needed to take to realize life was good before I just didn’t realize it.
I wasn’t ‘seeing’ life as it really was.

**edit** Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words. ~Joyce Brothers

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Smiles and Frowns

* My friend Melissa, who has been layed off for a month or more now, got the job she wanted at a hospital. I might even get to take her shopping, that's a major smile.
* Another friend of mine, Norma, got engaged over the weekend. I'm so happy for her, I just hope she remembers to invite her family.
* We have lots of tomatoes off our plants
* Starbucks with Kim Thrusday
* Got new goodies from Mary Kay yesterday, just need to remember to wear that stuff when I get ready at 5:30am
* Meeting awesome people from all over the country.

* Tonight was the last night of yoga
* I'm more confused than I've ever been, will this ever end

Monday, August 01, 2005


I fear making the wrong decisions, I fear not making my own decisions.
I fear being alone.
I fear being unhappy, but I think I also fear being happy.
I fear the unknown.
I fear change.
I fear not making a difference.
I fear not being missed.
I fear not meaning anything to anyone.

It really is amazing

what comes to you when you ask for it. The following was in my daily email from DailyOM

Living Exploration
Discovering What You Want Through Experience

The road to knowing what you want is often paved with many moments of learning what you don't want. This holds true in all areas of life, from work to love. Knowing and accepting this can give us the courage to keep moving forward when we might otherwise paralyze ourselves with fear of making a wrong move.

All too often, we expect ourselves to know in advance what will or won't work. But this would be like accepting an invitation with a new dance partner only if we are sure, before dancing with them, that we will want to dance with them forever. We need to accept the invitation without knowing where it will lead us. When we accept the invitation, what we are committing to is exploration.

It helps to remember that choices and decisions are not permanent or final actions. They are just the first steps in an unfolding process of inquiry. Many people go to school for one thing and end up in a completely different career path. This does not mean that they made a mistake by studying English Literature and then becoming a nurse. One thing leads to another in ways we can't always foresee.

Try to remain open and curious all along the way, asking questions. How does this feel? How could it be better? What changes can be made to improve the situation? With each modification, you move closer to creating exactly what you want. But remember, sometimes we need to experience what we don't want to determine what we do want.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

I feel like such a fraud

I go through everyday like I'm happy, that I'm living it to it's fullest when the truth is I'm too scared to really live.

I'm in a job I don't enjoy, I'm still there because I can't make a decision.

I've never really had to make decesions. My career, school, job were all basically picked out for me. I went along with engineering because it sounded fine, I enjoy math so why not. I wanted to go to Michigan all my life but I ended up at Kettering becuase my parents thought it was the best school for me. (not that I regret it, I lvoed almost every second there) And even my job, my parents got me my first 2. Working at the day camp wasn't work, it was a joy everyday. Then I worked at a grocery store because my dad new the manager and didn't really enjoy going there, even once a week. Then JCI, it was the only offer I had so I took it. It wans't that bad minus never having work. Then along came my current job. My dad woke me up and told me to get in there, they were hiring, he did everything he could to make it work. And now he's doing everything he can to keep me there even though he knows how much I hate it.

I'm finally making a decision for myself and I've had no support. Everyone I talk to, almost, tells me I'm crazy, why did I go to school for engineering. I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. In my heart I know that's what I want to do. The things I've enjoyed most in my life have been when I'm working with others and helping them or just having fun with the. Orientation was my favorite thing at school because I got to talk to Freshman, give them advice, be their support through camp. How do you think it makes me feel when I have everyone telling me I'm wrong? I end up like I am now sitting here crying.

I'm scared I'm going to fail and have everyone say 'I told you so.' I'm scared that I'll never figure life out. I'm scared that I threw soemthing away because I took the easy way out.

I heard some words today that I think I needed to hear I just have no idea how to fix what I've made of my life. I take the easy road because I don't have to show as much emotion or let people know who I really am.

There you go...

If you click on the picture it will get bigger.

This was out of 'For Me' magazine and it was taking about relationships. Brian seems to think I blame everything on him, here's the proof it's not all his fault.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I have this addiction

It’s an addition to books and magazines. I love to read, to get lost in a story is heaven. To learn about myself from books is the best, even if they are fiction books. I also have a pile of magazines at home I haven’t read yet. These are magazines that are 3 months old and they’re sitting in a pile just waiting for me.

I’ve always been a reader. I remember one of my favorite books when I was little was ‘Are You My Mother?’ I would read it with my mom. As I got a little older it switched to Baby Sitter Club and Judy Bloom books, and I can’t forget ‘Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing’, how could you not love Fudge? Then I expanded to Sweet Valley High and Lurlene McDaniel. I was slowly growing up with my books. I have to tell you my shock reading my first Sandra Brown book. I didn’t realize it would get that….detailed. If you’ve read her books you can probably understand, I think I was a freshman in high school at the time. I was introduced to Harry Potter by Rosie O’Donnel actually. I was wondering around Media Play around Thanksgiving of 1999 trying to find something to take with me to Toronto and decided to try out the boy wizard. Needless to say I had the other 2 books very quickly. Now my favorite authors include Nora Roberts, Sophie Kinsella, Meg Cabot and all those other chick lit authors. I’ll try almost anything, not too big into sci-fi.

Now onto magazines. At the beginning of the year I subscribed to 3 magazines, CK, SS and Disney Magazine. I’ve since added Real Simple, Oprah, People, Scrapbooks, Etc and Papercuts. I just read my first ‘How’ and loved it. Am also a fan of ‘Body and Soul’ and ‘Shop’. I love going in Barnes and Noble and browsing the magazines and looking at ones that catch my eye, most of the time they come home with me.

"The assistance you need will be provided by the universe as soon as you convert your readiness to willingness." --Wayne Dyer

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Letting go....

“Sometimes being strong is not about holding on, but being able to let go.”
I ran across this quote today and was struck by how much it applies to me right now. Another favorite quote of mine about letting go is…
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone
I think letting go is more important than hanging on. We hang on to things that aren’t good for us because we’re afraid what will happen once it’s gone.

Has it been hard being single after so long, HELL YES! But I’m making it through because I know in the end it will be better for me. I can grow outside of the relationship, I won’t feel stifled at all. I have no one to answer to but myself.

This is from my friend Kim…
I'm not saying anything was wrong with Brian, I did enjoy hanging out with you
two but as far as being Mr. Right For You - nah. You need to find someone
who is perfect to match your perfect-ness! :o)
Things like that help me realize I did the right thing for me and I feel pretty good about that.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I have a stalker!

Hi Pat! Can you imagine me having someone stalk my blog? I feel lucky if I get one comment in a month. :)

I'm meeting so many great people. Yesterday I posted in 2peas about feeling unimportant and I've gotten so many nice emails. Anytime I can mention my love for KI Memories I'm happy so talking to people about Scrapbooking makes me giddy.

I'm still thinking of ways to meet more people. I think the next time I'm in Barnes and Noble and Borders I'll see if they know of any book clubs. I would love to join in a discussion with real people about books. Right now the only books I can talk about at length are Harry Potter, not that I don't love that, but I've read so many good books lately I would love to discuss them. I also love book recommendations. I have a 2+ page list of books I want to read, I figure I'll cut it down little by little.

I got suggestions about taking classes at my LSS but my problem is I know lots of woman who scrapbook but would love to find someone my age, someone to grow up with, someone who understands what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong I love getting comments about life from people that hae been there, but talking to the people that are experiencing it right now are the best!

btw, boys confuse me!

Monday, July 25, 2005


After being without it most of the day yesterday I realized just how important it is. I dodn't mind getting dirty, but when I'm done I like to wash my hands and feel clean again. I didnt get that eysterday. I even felt gross after going in the pool to clean off all the sweat. I'm seriously considering creating a layout about how great electricity is. Add that to my huge pile of layouts I want to make and I'll get around to that maybe by 2010.

How do you find your niche? I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, walking around aimlessly trying to figure it out. Trying ot meet people, just tyring to live. Living is harder than it looks, truely living.

I know eventually I'll figure it out but I want it now! I want to be known by being me and not by being a mother or a wife. I want to be able to stand on my own and then add the family. I don't want to get lost and I right now I am.

Friday, July 22, 2005

The {A}wesomeness List

The Leaky Cauldron...this is where I get all my Harry Potter news. They're a site you can trust because they only report the news. Last weekend the head honcho over there along with the head honcho at Mugglenet flew to Edinburgh to interview JK Rowling and are posting the interview in pieces. Such great stuff coming out of it, some spoilers, but mostly just things to think about.

Gavin Degraw...I just got his cd and I love it. It's just something different.

Barnes and Noble...I love this store, it's so relaxing. Plus I love the online store. I rarely shop at Amazon anymore, I get better service at Barnes and Noble. I also have their memeber card so I save even more on my stuff. You will seriously get your stuff twice as fast from them than Amazon and it's free shipping as well.

My friend Kim...We meet Freshman year of college and she hated me and everyone else in our hall. We all acted like girls and she's a gear head. Somehow though we've become best friends. I spent last night at Starbuks chatting with her, it's so nice to be able to do that. We're oppostie but the same, I think we balance each other out well.

Vintage Mickey...I've been looking for 'Steamboat Willie' since I've never seen it before. Well it just came out on DVD along with a few other Mickey cartoons. It's amazing what they did with this cartoon. By today's standards it's not very good, but when you think about how it came out in 1928, it's amazing.

Disneyland turned 50 last weekend! I just wish I could take a time machine back to that day, how awesome would that be. I should be lucky enough to visit Disneyland this year and join in the celebration as well as buy up all the vintage stuff I can.

30 Minute Meals...Now I find Rachel Ray a little annoying but I still watch this show. I've made 1 dish so far and it's turned out great. I love how her ideas are fast and pretty easy.

Hope you enjoyed this edition! (sorry for no links for the last couple, blogger is being very stupid right now)

Thursday, July 21, 2005


I remember hearing/reading that to be in a relationship it means giving more of yourself than you ask for in return. I took this to heart, I put the other person before myself, but did they do the same? Not usually. Homework came before me every single time.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, trying to get over Brian. I realized that even though I was the one that ended it, he ended it the day he moved across the state. He was saying, I'm more important than you so I'm moving and if you want to still be with me you'll eventually have to move too. But I never got asked if this was a place I could live, would I ever move that far away. I remember one day before he took the job saying to myself 'If he gets the job offer I guess we're not meant to be.' and look how things have turned out.

I was listening to some music on the way to the airport the other morning and one lyric stuck out, 'you'll only miss the man you wanted him to be.' How true! I think about getting back together but then I think about all the roadblocks we would hit and how I would be the one giving in the most, that's the way it's been. I don't want to not be happy. I think back to a converstiaon we had about weddings. I told him in the perfect world my wedding would be a cash bar, I don't want to pay for it, I don't drink it and my family has a tendancay to go overboard and still drive. He said his family shouldn't be punished, that it had to be a open bar. I then came back with just wine and beer, no hard liquor, that still wasn't good enough. Did my feelings matter at all?

I know there is the guy out there that will understand where I'm coming from and be willing to compromise and make things work for both of us. I know I was selfish a lot towards the end, but if you're getting it from them aren't you going to say, "well he does whatever he wants without thinking of me so I'm going to do the same." That's not the way things should be.

I'm still getting there, I'm not perfect yet, nor do I strive to be, but spending time thinking abuot my past relationship will help me in my next one.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

It seems like it's been forever

4 years ago I stumbled across a website called Hogwarts Online (HOL) and quickly signed up. I kinda forgot about classes and such for most of the year until I was bored at work one day. I jumped in, signed up for a couple more classes and chatted in the forum.

Over the next 2 years I meet so many wonderful people, one I would call one of my closest friends. I fell in love with Arithmancy, created a website, played quidditch, became a prefect and even went to Boston to meet some of these people. The problem was I was starting to get burnt out, people getting on my nerves so I backed up a little. But I was convinced to try to teach a class to get a different perspective and get away from some of the annoying people.

Last year I was slated to teach a class called 'The Magic of Science' basically discussing the stuff we see in the books and if they can happen for real. Unfortunatly personal commitments got in the way and I had to leave HOL. I still talked to some of the people but not all. I didn't leave on the best of terms. In the recent months I've relyed on some of these people so much to help me get through life. I felt something was missing.

I got convinced to attmept to get back to HOL. I had to class ideas and submitted them. I found out Sunday both are accpeted so I'm back. It feels like coming home.

BTW, I'm a Hufflepuff, the best house in the world!!

*HOL is a very safe site in which privacy is very important. Most create names so their true idenity isn't revealed. It's all very PC.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I feel the

need to post something so this may be a little jumbled.

I've spent a good portion of my day today with Nani. She's being pretty good, she still likes to bite but we're working on it. My mom will tell you she's Nani's favorite but I think she listens to me best. I'm stern but loving with her. She can be so cute at times though, it feels pretty good to have a dog around again. Excpet she's cutting into my scrapping time.

I feel like we all have stepping stones and I had one today and hopefully Monday will be another. I'm going to Johnstown PA for a work meeting. I need to stand strong and remind them I'm their customer, not the other way around. Do what I want and things will go smoother. They havne't figured that out yet. Sucks to be them.

I must mention tomorrow night. I was tipped off that B&N is giving out wrist bands so I called them up. They're doing wristbands for the # of books you've preordered and then you get a colored piece of paper that tells you what order you can get hte book. They did the paper last time. They're starting to hand that stuff out when they open tomorrow so I'll be there at 9am to get my stuff. I bribed my mom with breakfast at Panera before we do her errands. I might be a little MIA until I'm finished with the book.

I'll leave you with my favorite Harry Potter quote...
"I should have made my meaning plainer," said Professor McGonagall, turning at last to look at Umbridge directly in the eyes. "He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I'm a crazy person

There is only one thing on my mind this week....HARRY POTTER.

2 days 10 hours and 2 minutes.

So this doesn't become a post about how much I can't wait, here is a quote that resonated with me from the wonderful Albus Dumbledore.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

I so, so, so believe this. I've recently begun to understand some of my actions the past year. If only I would have figured them out when they happened. At times I feel like I'm just observing my life rather than living it. I'm a bystander able to see what I've been doing. But by understanding I can learn and move on. It's amazing where this understanding comes from. I was reading a movie review and a line stuck out at me and said 'EXACLTY.' I love finding things when I least expect them.

In closing, my favorite quote. 'The teacher will appear when the student is ready.'

Now bring on HP!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

It will be ok

Leaving work this afternoon I had this feeling come over me. It's going to be ok. No matter what happens I'll be ok. It's a relaxing feeling and it's one I needed.

Monday, July 11, 2005


In less than a week it will be mine! I can't believe it actually. Tonight I'm going to finish Order of the Phoenix and then stew for a few days. Luckily I don't have to work Friday so I can get enough rest in order to stay up late and read. The whole thing Friday has gotten a little more complicated. Dad is going with me but my parents invited some people over after golf so unless I want to get to the store at like 11pm I have to go by myself. But he's having a couple drop him off at the bookstore so he can still drive me home. 2 years ago I had to take 3 finals and move home on the Friday the book came out. At least I dont have to take finals this time.

Last time I also rushed through the book and dind't like it. I thought it was too wordy and it definalty wans't one of her best. But after I reread it at a more lesurily pace I loved it. I'm not rushing through this book, I'm going to savor every word and really enjoy my first time. You never get to repeat a first time.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Our new addition

Welcome Nani to our family! Nani means beutiful in Hawaiian. My dad picked her up Friday night. She's 4 1/2 months old. The people that had her before moved into a house where they could only have 1 dog so they keep her mom. She's a crazy little dog. We had a boxer for 9 years but she died last January and it's taken us this long to feel ready for another dog. She's pretty good, so far no accidents in the house. She wasn't house trained but she was keep outside at hte old place. We try to take her out enough so she can't have accidents. Tomorrow will be the real challenge. She has a cage and will spend close to 10 hours in it, but seeing how she loves any stuffed animal, we need to do that so my collection of Stich will survive. She really is a cutie and I'm enjoying having a dog again, it will be better once I can trust her to actually sleep in the moring though.

Friday, July 08, 2005


The subject of parenting has been on my mind for awhile.

First it was because in our discussions before the breakup Brian and I talked about kids. I want them one day, I feel it's part of my purpose in my life, I'm just not ready for them. He said he didn't need kids in his life. But if he did have kids he believes there SHOULD be a stay at home parent. If I was making enough money to support the family he would have no problems staying home but if I wasn't then it felt like I would be required to stay home, I would have no choice.

I come from a family with 2 working parents. I was a latchkey kid. Do I feel like I'm worse off than kids who had a stay-at-home mom? Not in the least. I feel it's all about quality time, not quanity. My parents were very active in my life. There was never a missed dance recitial (until they became second nature and the competitions were more important) or anything important. They did miss 1 basketball game in the 3 years I played but someone else came to support me then. I remember when my dad would pick me up after school we would do something at least once a week, go to the park, the library or just go visit mom at work. Both of them would always be willing to get down and play with me, no matter what. Even to this day they'll do stuff, my dad says it's because he knows one day he won't be able to do so he wants to get it all in now. He's going with me next week just to drive me home so I can read Harry Potter on the way home.

A friend of the family is on a track to nowhere right now. I grew up with her, her parents are like my parents, they're our real family because they're there for us no matter what and vice versa. Last night I was talking iwth my dad about how different me and Melissa have turned out. She has a loser boyfriend but stays with him because she doesn't like to be alone. We've decided it comes down to the differene in parenting. Her parents and my parents had a different philosphy. My dad did the exact opposite of what his dad did and my mom learned a lot form my grandparents. They always expected the best from me, pushed me to succeed, taught me what was important. I really owe my parents so much.

This is my favorite picture of me and my dad, just really shows our relationship.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Power of words amazing. They can bring you down or lift you up. The past couple of days there's been one person that just brings a smile to my face whenever I see her words, such a sense of humor. I was kinda down a minute ago and then read someone's blog and it just made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Observing others is a great learning tool. I often wonder if my words have any effect on people. Lately I've been speaking right from the heart, but does it mean anything? I have a problem of expressing myself and I still am.

Do the words "I'm sorry" really hold any power? I said them recently and really truely meant them, but did that person feel that? Do they believe me? How, through words, can I express how I am really feeling to make them believe and trust?

I love words, why else would I read so much? Gaining ideas is a powerful tool. Right now I have a pile of books on various topics, scrapbooking, romance novels, kids books, biography, history, healty eating, personal growth. I'll gain something from each one of them.

I love putting my words down on paper. I've gone back and read the various forms of journaling I have and it's amazing to see my growth and look back on those times with an objective eye. I read some of my first lj entries and am shocked at how negative they were but then I think of what was going on in my life and it makes sense. If you were to read my written journals right now you would think 10 different people wrote in them, so many ideas, moods, thoughts going on, each one uniquely mine.


It's weird how I'm thinking about somethign that happened and realizing some of the effects.

I've been in a scrapping rut for a couple months now. I just have no desire to do it, when I do it takes forever to figure out what I want to do. (this coming from the person that did over 20 pages at a 12 hour crop) Then I thought about when was the last time I did sb for real with motivation and it was the 12 hour crop. The next weekend though things changed in my life. I became single again. Everythign is harder now. My moods are wacky, I can start crying at any time and I have no motivation to do anything. It's not that I don't want to scrap, it's just when I get down to the basement all my creativity seems to leave me. I was doing good in my art journal for a few weeks and now that's gone too. My outlet is no longer there.

Speaking of the boy, I don't know what to do. Recently I've been missing him lots. Just this morning I could almost feel I was back with him, but he won't talk to me. I can understand this a little, I broke up with him. I just want to be friends right now. That's where a relationship needs to start, we lost that and need to get it back. Maybe talking to him again will help me figure things out. So cross your fingers for me that he'll actually respond to the 2 emails I've sent him that he hasn't sent back.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


I was rereading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire last night and this line stuck out to me. “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” So, so, so true. I’m finally getting to the point where I understand my actions. Even reading a movie review turns the light bulb on. I’m loving it right now, but also hating because I don’t know what to do. This weekend was good and bad. Good because I got to talk with some people, learn some things, and do some thinking. Bad because I’m still confused, have some tough questions to ask myself and I don’t know if I can answer them.

My horoscope today….There is some likelihood that you've been a bit of a loner lately. It's as though you decided to look at things differently from the rest of the world, rejecting the individualistic viewpoint in favor of a more global one. Today, you may achieve a new phase in this process. You may attain some summit of consciousness from which you finally have the ability... to forgive!

It seems like everything is coming at me right now, right when I need it. “The teacher will appear when the student is ready” I’ve realized the only person I need to forgive is myself. I feel the way I do, not because someone did something I didn’t like, but because of my reactions to these thigns. I can’t control someone else, but I can control my thoughts and feelings. So now instead of getting mad, I’ll ask myself why am I mad and work from there. It’s actually kinda empowering if you think about it. I CONTROL MY LIFE. Very awesome words.

Monday, July 04, 2005


1) Simplify my life. Take time to enjoy my surrondings, just soke in what's going on. Get out in nature more. Only buy what I need.

2) Going along with the first one, curb my spending. I do buy a lot on a whim, the little stuff. I need to really think will I need this.

3) Submit to magazines. I want to be published someday for my scrapbooking, in ordre to do this I actually need to submit pages. I also plan on entering Creating Keepsakes Hall of Fame contest. I won't win, but it will give me experience.

4) Read 120 books this year. I'm around 50 right now. This is easier than pages to keep track of.

5) Take more risks with my 'art'. Enjoy the process and don't be so critical of what I do.

6) Make an investment by the end of the year

7) Curb my procrastination. I know it will take awhile to get rid of this but tomorrow at work I'm going to start.

8) Stay focused. I have things I want to be/do/remember but I need to get them in my line of sight so I won't forget them day after day.

9) Embrace change. I don't like it but I need to learn to deal with it.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Art Journal

Journaling reads...


If I did the right thing
If I want him back
If he’ll take me back
If we’re meant to be
Is he the one?
Can we make it work if we do get back together?
What to do with my life?
Will this make me happy?
Can I be truly happy?
Can I let go?
Can I leave home?
Can compromise really be done?
Can I change?
Can I forgive myself?

The top is lyrics from a Backstreet Boys song.
Just want you to know
That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else
I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

This entry was really easy and the first one I've done in a few weeks. It was rolling around in my head since I went to the movie today and listened to soem music and did some reading. Not the best artistically but it works for me and it was really about the words.


Main Entry: em·pa·thy
Pronunciation: 'em-p&-thE
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathEs emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion -- more at PATHOS
1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this

I remember the first time I really learned about empathy. I was watching Funny Face with Audrey Hepburn and she was explaining it. Now I really know what it means.

Why do some people have it and others don't? At least pretend to have it. Example, about a year and a half ago Brian and I were driving back to school from a wedding. We got on the topic of Dynamics (a class we took together) and he was commenting how easy it was and how could anyone not undrestand it. Well I got a 76 in the class, so obviously it wasn't that easy for me. My schedule that term wasn't very forgiving. I had 5 hard classes that all required a lot of time. It was also my first term with 20 credits, so there was some adjustment. I was going through some personal stuff as well. I changed over the summer and my sororiety sisters were getting to me. I couldn't agree with soem of the stuff anymore, they weren't acting in ways I thought they should be acting. So overall a very stressful term so everything suffered. One the car ride he woudln't give it up, he keep going at it how easy the class was and I just sat there and got quieter and quieter, never saying a word. This, plus the fact through the entire wedding reception he keep looking at the time because he had homeowrk to do. He dropped me off and ran back to the lab to do hoemwork. I spent the night playing Uno with friends instead of with my boyfriend because he didn't have time for me.

He's a smart guy, one of those you hate becuase he never studies but still gets 100s. He has no concept what others struggle through, yet he won't even try. There was another incident with a paper I had written and he basically tore it apart. It was a 20 page paper I had put many hours into that I felt very connected to, I loved the topic and put a love of heart into it and then he goes and doesn't say one good word about it.

And the crowning moment. We're out right after Christmas of our first year together. We go into a store and he sees something he HAS to buy for his ex-girlfriend. Now this from a guy that couldn't even buy me flowers because he was so cheap, could buy a girl that supposedly broke his heart soemthing. I so wish I could have that moment back. I would have walked out of the store, showed him how much he hurt me.

This happened too many times, me not expressing my feelings. Now I'm so mad at myself because I let it happen. I've realized my main enemy is myself and I can't be happy until I forgive myself for all the things I did or didn't do.

Friday, July 01, 2005


I'm having a horrible time right now. It's hit me that I hae no plans this weekend. I"m going to spend my 4 days at home doing nothing. I try to think if there is anyone I can call and they're all busy. This makes me feel like a major LOSER. It brings back so many thoughts of doubt and lonliness. This usually gets better but it hasn't for a week. I have no life right now, nothing to look forward to. I could go out but what will people think, 'how sad, she can't find anyone to do something with.'

Hopelessly addicted

This morning my mom and I went shopping.

First stop for me was JCrew, I love that store but can't afford most of the stuff. I go and drool and usually leave with one thing, moderatly priced. If the store was closer to me I'd be in there more often.

Then it was the GAP. I have a cc there so you know I shop there a lot. It's actually the only store I've found jeans that fit good in. They were having a sale but I was good and only got 2 shirts.

My downfall has been Victoria's Secret. They're having their semi-annual sale, not that I really need anything. I went in last week and got 4 bras. I love one of them, it's a push-up (not that I need it) but I love it so today I got another one, just different color. Having one of their Angel's cards does't helpthe addiction either.

Other stores I'm addicted to...Barnes and Noble, the Disney Store, any LSS, Target

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Donna Downey Inspired

After reading her book I had some thoughts about a planner. I needed one, like Franklin Covey but feel the binders they have are too big. Solution, make my own!

The planner pages I got were collage so I wanted to kinda stick with that theme. I'm happy with the outcome and the best part is I can change the cover whenever I get tired of it.

Highy Sensitive

Today I found out I’m a highly sensitive person. SHOCKER...not really. I could have told you I take things too personally, but this I think can also be a good thing. When I feel something, I feel it completely, no half way for me. I want to give the people around me all I can but it hurts when they don’t give it back. I think this was one of the problems with my relationship with Brian. I felt so much in the beginning but never felt my feelings were reciprocated so slowly I closed up until it was too late. There were too many nights in the beginning that I almost cried myself to sleep. (note to self, why did you keep this up?) I have to believe that through the course of the relationship his feelings came closer to what mine were from the start.

Thinking about this now, it’s part of the reason I’m not looking for another guy. Sure some of my friends tell me I need to find someone new and move on, but I can’t. (They even check out guys and tell me what stores they’re working in :-P) Even though I’m the one that ended it, I’m not over it. I gave one person a HUGE part of my life for a year and a half, more than I’d ever given someone else, I can’t just move on. I believe I owe it to myself and to Brian to give myself some time to discover who I am by myself. Work on the areas I need to.

I think, at least in some respect, I tried to be the person my partner wanted me to be so I give up a little of myself. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it is bad. I am different from who I was before I dated Brian, I like some of the things that have changed, they won’t be leaving, but some of the stuff wasn’t me. I need to make changes that make me feel like myself still.

I know now I’m not one of those people that need to have someone to FEEL complete. How can you rely on someone else to do that for you? If you do, you’ll never be happy. I need to feel complete single so that when I decide I’m ready for another relationship I can be complete with that person, rather than because of that person.

I wonder at the people that jump from relationship to relationship, do they not respect themselves, do they now know how to just be, do they not respect the people around them? The people I’ve seen that have jumped into relationships very soon after another ended have all turned out bad. They weren’t ready to fully love, to give fully. Don’t you owe it to the new person to be 100% theirs and not have half of you still dealing with the loss? If someone could explain that to me I would greatly appreciate it. My only thought is that you didn’t really care about the person you were just with so losing them wasn’t that big a deal. It’s like losing a sock, you shrug your shoulders and get another one out of the drawer.

I think of what I’m going through as a type of mourning. That someone/something died, because it did. You pay respect to the dead, why can’t you do the same for ended relationships?

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Random thought process

I actually went to work today, but was only there half the day. Today was company picnic day, off base. I got to work, did what I could and figured I had nothing I really wanted to work on, nothing that had to be done today so I went and socialized. I need to do that more often. I feel comfortable with the people I was with today, maybe its because we went through something so intense together.

ILDC reminds me of the SAB days. You built that bond because noone else understood what you went through, you were a team and got through as a team. I miss those days.

I'm getting a new boss at work. Not sure how I feel. Sure I don't think my current boss is the best leader but I do feel sorry that he lost his job (he'll be moving to a different department, whereever they have room). But I'm also looking forward to seeing what the new guy will do. I like the new guy, I just need to step it up.

I bought a new planner today, well kinda new, got the filler pages from Franklin Covey and made my own cover. I'm going to try to schedule and stop procrastinating. Block out my time so I get things done during the day. It will be about 6 Hours of Power (hey, I need some fun time). It's time to refocus my life in every aspect.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I've learned

...that you can say you love someone but you never know how deeply until that realtionship is over.

...that wanting it to work isn't always enough.

....that I'm an awesome person that anyone should feel lucky to love.

...that you can either run away from your problems or face them head on. And as easy as it is to run away, there's a better sense of accomplishment when you face them head on.

...I need to be with people that I love myself with.

...that I'd rather have the truth than some line even if the truth hurts more.

...that my real friends are those that will listen to my craziness even when they've heard it a million times.

...that truely good guys are very hard to find.

...I can't compromise who I am for anyone.

...even though it hurts I am better off.

I hate...

I need a friend to cry to. And I have noone.

I just finished The Second Summer of the Sisterhood and envy the relationship the girls have. They team up when one of the others is donw. I need something like that.

I need that friend I can call up anytime about anything that will either plot someone's death or give me the push I need.

I hate this feeling of worthlessness and helplessness.

I hate feeling sick and being overemotional.

I wish feelings would go away and I could survive as a zombie, at least then my heart wouldn't be broken.

I'm scared that I'll never find someone else, I'm not the most social person so how will I meet someone new now that I'm done with school?

I hate that I feel useless, that I mean nothing to anyone, like I exist in my own little world and everyone else ignores me and enjoys their life.

Most of all I hate that I can let one person ahve this effect on me. I'm the one that broke it off, I shouldn't be the one that's miserable.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Update of sorts

I'll start with the non-emotional stuff. I'm still sick, this weekend it's been the cough. Right now if I cough I get a headache, it's horrible. I think back to when I had larengitis and wonder if it's happening agian. I actually went out on Friday and bought cough syrup, I hate that stuff, but if it works I'll drink it. If I'm still feeling horrible tomorrow I'm canceling the trip and going to the doctor instead. (having said that I'll probably make a recovery tonight and be fine tomorrow)

Saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith yesterday. It was a pretty good movie, Brad looked good.

Cropped for a few hours today. I meet up with some friends and we headed out. I got some stuff done. Hawaii will be done some time this year. :) I left early though because my head was pounding.

It's been a weird weekend and I blame part of it on PMS. I get too emotional. I think about things I shouldn't think about. Like, why if it was a 'nice' breakup do we not talk. How can you go from having someone so important in your life to them basically disappearing? I think that's the worse part. I still like Brian, it was just the point where I had to decide if it was forever.

I've been thinking a lot about how we are raised and how it influences who we are now. From the little things like grocery lists to the big things like kids. I've always gotten along well with my parents, home has always been a place of comfort. When I was sick at school all I wanted to do was come home and lay on the couch, at home I was with people that cared about me. I think this is the reason I never thought about leaving after college. Why leave if things are good and work is close enough to drive to? I never even really thought about living with someone before marriage. I've heard too many things about it. I mean one of you would 'own' where you were living and they could kick the other out at any time, there was no guarentees. Home is always a guarentee.

I hate roadblocks, it seems I hit one once in awhile. I go along fine and then BAM. 2 steps forward, 1 back, my life is that neverending cycle. I wish I had the answers.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Maybe it wasn't so bad

My mom is dragging me to yoga.

I decided while in the first class last week I would use it as a way to simplify, really think abot the important things in life. Remember the most important thing is breathing.

This came in handy today. I had a meeting, didn't go as I would have liked, then I come back to discuss it with my boss and someone else tells me it's all wrong and want to start a fight. They need to calm down and let me talk. Explain the situation as I see it and then they can calmly give me their advice. Don't yell and tell me I'm wrong, the person I meet with is wrong. Nothing will get done if everyone is on the defensive.

I was upset for a few minutes and then I thought about breathing, letting go and just really thinking about the problem. There is nothing I can do today about it so why let it bother me until I need to. T hat said my phone will not be answered due to the fact I know who is calling and I don't want to talk to them. :)