Sunday, July 31, 2005

I feel like such a fraud

I go through everyday like I'm happy, that I'm living it to it's fullest when the truth is I'm too scared to really live.

I'm in a job I don't enjoy, I'm still there because I can't make a decision.

I've never really had to make decesions. My career, school, job were all basically picked out for me. I went along with engineering because it sounded fine, I enjoy math so why not. I wanted to go to Michigan all my life but I ended up at Kettering becuase my parents thought it was the best school for me. (not that I regret it, I lvoed almost every second there) And even my job, my parents got me my first 2. Working at the day camp wasn't work, it was a joy everyday. Then I worked at a grocery store because my dad new the manager and didn't really enjoy going there, even once a week. Then JCI, it was the only offer I had so I took it. It wans't that bad minus never having work. Then along came my current job. My dad woke me up and told me to get in there, they were hiring, he did everything he could to make it work. And now he's doing everything he can to keep me there even though he knows how much I hate it.

I'm finally making a decision for myself and I've had no support. Everyone I talk to, almost, tells me I'm crazy, why did I go to school for engineering. I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. In my heart I know that's what I want to do. The things I've enjoyed most in my life have been when I'm working with others and helping them or just having fun with the. Orientation was my favorite thing at school because I got to talk to Freshman, give them advice, be their support through camp. How do you think it makes me feel when I have everyone telling me I'm wrong? I end up like I am now sitting here crying.

I'm scared I'm going to fail and have everyone say 'I told you so.' I'm scared that I'll never figure life out. I'm scared that I threw soemthing away because I took the easy way out.

I heard some words today that I think I needed to hear I just have no idea how to fix what I've made of my life. I take the easy road because I don't have to show as much emotion or let people know who I really am.

8 comments:

Katy said...

Trust yourself. Your family and friends might be scared for you. Don't be afraid to take a chance ~ you might really like it. And if you don't, at least you know you tried it. kwim? Hang in there!

Gwyn said...

No matter how young or how old one is, it's always possible to change your career, your course. Trust yourself to know what's best for you. Don't even ask others' permission. You're the one who lives with the decisions, so you should be the one making them.
Big hugs and good luck!

Elaine said...

Woe to the person who DOESN'T question their decisions....good for you for fearlessly reevaluating....

Cherie Nymeyer said...

Big hugs! It's hard to make life changing choices. Believe in yourself and your dreams!

michele said...

your family wants what's best for you, but they also need to respect you when you figure out what you really and truly need and want. change and uncercaintly isn't easy or fun, but the rewards can be huge. the worst thing you can do is never take a risk and then wake up and realize too late you're unhappy. good luck ... you can't get what you DO want if you don't know what you DON'T want!

ScrapNancy said...

Barely any of us have a single career anymore...my brother the computer engineer just finished his first year of law school. I have a BA in Communications and have worked as a professional genealogist and a scrapbook instructor and now am embarking on designing. My dh has a Political Science degree and works in Computer Graphics.

Find yourself and what will make you happy. Your engineering degree may be just a stop on the way...feel free to email me thru 2P's if you'd like. I've been there!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to follow your heart, especially when others are negative about your ideas. Your parents probably have good intentions (wanting what they think is best for you), but it is *your* life, *your* decision. Follow your heart on this...you'll never know where it could lead until you try! :-) Lisaloojaxn

Anonymous said...

Sweetie;
It is hard to do things that go against the "grain" and going out on a limb. I have a degree in surgical technology and I don't do that; i am a receptionist. I worked for 5 months as a ST after graduation and found that I was unhappy and the job wasn't as fullfilling as I thought that it would be. Sometimes we don't know what we want to be when we grow up until we wonder the world a little and figure it out.
I am here for you if you need to talk. Hugs
Pat