I feel like such a fraud

I go through everyday like I'm happy, that I'm living it to it's fullest when the truth is I'm too scared to really live.

I'm in a job I don't enjoy, I'm still there because I can't make a decision.

I've never really had to make decesions. My career, school, job were all basically picked out for me. I went along with engineering because it sounded fine, I enjoy math so why not. I wanted to go to Michigan all my life but I ended up at Kettering becuase my parents thought it was the best school for me. (not that I regret it, I lvoed almost every second there) And even my job, my parents got me my first 2. Working at the day camp wasn't work, it was a joy everyday. Then I worked at a grocery store because my dad new the manager and didn't really enjoy going there, even once a week. Then JCI, it was the only offer I had so I took it. It wans't that bad minus never having work. Then along came my current job. My dad woke me up and told me to get in there, they were hiring, he did everything he could to make it work. And now he's doing everything he can to keep me there even though he knows how much I hate it.

I'm finally making a decision for myself and I've had no support. Everyone I talk to, almost, tells me I'm crazy, why did I go to school for engineering. I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. In my heart I know that's what I want to do. The things I've enjoyed most in my life have been when I'm working with others and helping them or just having fun with the. Orientation was my favorite thing at school because I got to talk to Freshman, give them advice, be their support through camp. How do you think it makes me feel when I have everyone telling me I'm wrong? I end up like I am now sitting here crying.

I'm scared I'm going to fail and have everyone say 'I told you so.' I'm scared that I'll never figure life out. I'm scared that I threw soemthing away because I took the easy way out.

I heard some words today that I think I needed to hear I just have no idea how to fix what I've made of my life. I take the easy road because I don't have to show as much emotion or let people know who I really am.

There you go...

If you click on the picture it will get bigger.

This was out of 'For Me' magazine and it was taking about relationships. Brian seems to think I blame everything on him, here's the proof it's not all his fault.

I have this addiction

It’s an addition to books and magazines. I love to read, to get lost in a story is heaven. To learn about myself from books is the best, even if they are fiction books. I also have a pile of magazines at home I haven’t read yet. These are magazines that are 3 months old and they’re sitting in a pile just waiting for me.

I’ve always been a reader. I remember one of my favorite books when I was little was ‘Are You My Mother?’ I would read it with my mom. As I got a little older it switched to Baby Sitter Club and Judy Bloom books, and I can’t forget ‘Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing’, how could you not love Fudge? Then I expanded to Sweet Valley High and Lurlene McDaniel. I was slowly growing up with my books. I have to tell you my shock reading my first Sandra Brown book. I didn’t realize it would get that….detailed. If you’ve read her books you can probably understand, I think I was a freshman in high school at the time. I was introduced to Harry Potter by Rosie O’Donnel actually. I was wondering around Media Play around Thanksgiving of 1999 trying to find something to take with me to Toronto and decided to try out the boy wizard. Needless to say I had the other 2 books very quickly. Now my favorite authors include Nora Roberts, Sophie Kinsella, Meg Cabot and all those other chick lit authors. I’ll try almost anything, not too big into sci-fi.

Now onto magazines. At the beginning of the year I subscribed to 3 magazines, CK, SS and Disney Magazine. I’ve since added Real Simple, Oprah, People, Scrapbooks, Etc and Papercuts. I just read my first ‘How’ and loved it. Am also a fan of ‘Body and Soul’ and ‘Shop’. I love going in Barnes and Noble and browsing the magazines and looking at ones that catch my eye, most of the time they come home with me.


"The assistance you need will be provided by the universe as soon as you convert your readiness to willingness." --Wayne Dyer

Letting go....

“Sometimes being strong is not about holding on, but being able to let go.”
~unknown

I ran across this quote today and was struck by how much it applies to me right now. Another favorite quote of mine about letting go is…

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone
else.

I think letting go is more important than hanging on. We hang on to things that aren’t good for us because we’re afraid what will happen once it’s gone.

Has it been hard being single after so long, HELL YES! But I’m making it through because I know in the end it will be better for me. I can grow outside of the relationship, I won’t feel stifled at all. I have no one to answer to but myself.

This is from my friend Kim…

I'm not saying anything was wrong with Brian, I did enjoy hanging out with you
two but as far as being Mr. Right For You - nah. You need to find someone
who is perfect to match your perfect-ness! :o)

Things like that help me realize I did the right thing for me and I feel pretty good about that.

I have a stalker!

Hi Pat! Can you imagine me having someone stalk my blog? I feel lucky if I get one comment in a month. :)

I'm meeting so many great people. Yesterday I posted in 2peas about feeling unimportant and I've gotten so many nice emails. Anytime I can mention my love for KI Memories I'm happy so talking to people about Scrapbooking makes me giddy.

I'm still thinking of ways to meet more people. I think the next time I'm in Barnes and Noble and Borders I'll see if they know of any book clubs. I would love to join in a discussion with real people about books. Right now the only books I can talk about at length are Harry Potter, not that I don't love that, but I've read so many good books lately I would love to discuss them. I also love book recommendations. I have a 2+ page list of books I want to read, I figure I'll cut it down little by little.

I got suggestions about taking classes at my LSS but my problem is I know lots of woman who scrapbook but would love to find someone my age, someone to grow up with, someone who understands what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong I love getting comments about life from people that hae been there, but talking to the people that are experiencing it right now are the best!

btw, boys confuse me!

I LOVE RUNNING WATER

After being without it most of the day yesterday I realized just how important it is. I dodn't mind getting dirty, but when I'm done I like to wash my hands and feel clean again. I didnt get that eysterday. I even felt gross after going in the pool to clean off all the sweat. I'm seriously considering creating a layout about how great electricity is. Add that to my huge pile of layouts I want to make and I'll get around to that maybe by 2010.

How do you find your niche? I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, walking around aimlessly trying to figure it out. Trying ot meet people, just tyring to live. Living is harder than it looks, truely living.

I know eventually I'll figure it out but I want it now! I want to be known by being me and not by being a mother or a wife. I want to be able to stand on my own and then add the family. I don't want to get lost and I right now I am.

The {A}wesomeness List

The Leaky Cauldron...this is where I get all my Harry Potter news. They're a site you can trust because they only report the news. Last weekend the head honcho over there along with the head honcho at Mugglenet flew to Edinburgh to interview JK Rowling and are posting the interview in pieces. Such great stuff coming out of it, some spoilers, but mostly just things to think about.

Gavin Degraw...I just got his cd and I love it. It's just something different.

Barnes and Noble...I love this store, it's so relaxing. Plus I love the online store. I rarely shop at Amazon anymore, I get better service at Barnes and Noble. I also have their memeber card so I save even more on my stuff. You will seriously get your stuff twice as fast from them than Amazon and it's free shipping as well.

My friend Kim...We meet Freshman year of college and she hated me and everyone else in our hall. We all acted like girls and she's a gear head. Somehow though we've become best friends. I spent last night at Starbuks chatting with her, it's so nice to be able to do that. We're oppostie but the same, I think we balance each other out well.

Vintage Mickey...I've been looking for 'Steamboat Willie' since I've never seen it before. Well it just came out on DVD along with a few other Mickey cartoons. It's amazing what they did with this cartoon. By today's standards it's not very good, but when you think about how it came out in 1928, it's amazing.

Disneyland turned 50 last weekend! I just wish I could take a time machine back to that day, how awesome would that be. I should be lucky enough to visit Disneyland this year and join in the celebration as well as buy up all the vintage stuff I can.

30 Minute Meals...Now I find Rachel Ray a little annoying but I still watch this show. I've made 1 dish so far and it's turned out great. I love how her ideas are fast and pretty easy.

Hope you enjoyed this edition! (sorry for no links for the last couple, blogger is being very stupid right now)

Relationships

I remember hearing/reading that to be in a relationship it means giving more of yourself than you ask for in return. I took this to heart, I put the other person before myself, but did they do the same? Not usually. Homework came before me every single time.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, trying to get over Brian. I realized that even though I was the one that ended it, he ended it the day he moved across the state. He was saying, I'm more important than you so I'm moving and if you want to still be with me you'll eventually have to move too. But I never got asked if this was a place I could live, would I ever move that far away. I remember one day before he took the job saying to myself 'If he gets the job offer I guess we're not meant to be.' and look how things have turned out.

I was listening to some music on the way to the airport the other morning and one lyric stuck out, 'you'll only miss the man you wanted him to be.' How true! I think about getting back together but then I think about all the roadblocks we would hit and how I would be the one giving in the most, that's the way it's been. I don't want to not be happy. I think back to a converstiaon we had about weddings. I told him in the perfect world my wedding would be a cash bar, I don't want to pay for it, I don't drink it and my family has a tendancay to go overboard and still drive. He said his family shouldn't be punished, that it had to be a open bar. I then came back with just wine and beer, no hard liquor, that still wasn't good enough. Did my feelings matter at all?

I know there is the guy out there that will understand where I'm coming from and be willing to compromise and make things work for both of us. I know I was selfish a lot towards the end, but if you're getting it from them aren't you going to say, "well he does whatever he wants without thinking of me so I'm going to do the same." That's not the way things should be.

I'm still getting there, I'm not perfect yet, nor do I strive to be, but spending time thinking abuot my past relationship will help me in my next one.

It seems like it's been forever

4 years ago I stumbled across a website called Hogwarts Online (HOL) and quickly signed up. I kinda forgot about classes and such for most of the year until I was bored at work one day. I jumped in, signed up for a couple more classes and chatted in the forum.

Over the next 2 years I meet so many wonderful people, one I would call one of my closest friends. I fell in love with Arithmancy, created a website, played quidditch, became a prefect and even went to Boston to meet some of these people. The problem was I was starting to get burnt out, people getting on my nerves so I backed up a little. But I was convinced to try to teach a class to get a different perspective and get away from some of the annoying people.

Last year I was slated to teach a class called 'The Magic of Science' basically discussing the stuff we see in the books and if they can happen for real. Unfortunatly personal commitments got in the way and I had to leave HOL. I still talked to some of the people but not all. I didn't leave on the best of terms. In the recent months I've relyed on some of these people so much to help me get through life. I felt something was missing.

I got convinced to attmept to get back to HOL. I had to class ideas and submitted them. I found out Sunday both are accpeted so I'm back. It feels like coming home.

BTW, I'm a Hufflepuff, the best house in the world!!

*HOL is a very safe site in which privacy is very important. Most create names so their true idenity isn't revealed. It's all very PC.

I feel the

need to post something so this may be a little jumbled.

I've spent a good portion of my day today with Nani. She's being pretty good, she still likes to bite but we're working on it. My mom will tell you she's Nani's favorite but I think she listens to me best. I'm stern but loving with her. She can be so cute at times though, it feels pretty good to have a dog around again. Excpet she's cutting into my scrapping time.

I feel like we all have stepping stones and I had one today and hopefully Monday will be another. I'm going to Johnstown PA for a work meeting. I need to stand strong and remind them I'm their customer, not the other way around. Do what I want and things will go smoother. They havne't figured that out yet. Sucks to be them.

I must mention tomorrow night. I was tipped off that B&N is giving out wrist bands so I called them up. They're doing wristbands for the # of books you've preordered and then you get a colored piece of paper that tells you what order you can get hte book. They did the paper last time. They're starting to hand that stuff out when they open tomorrow so I'll be there at 9am to get my stuff. I bribed my mom with breakfast at Panera before we do her errands. I might be a little MIA until I'm finished with the book.

I'll leave you with my favorite Harry Potter quote...
"I should have made my meaning plainer," said Professor McGonagall, turning at last to look at Umbridge directly in the eyes. "He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher."

I'm a crazy person

There is only one thing on my mind this week....HARRY POTTER.

2 days 10 hours and 2 minutes.

So this doesn't become a post about how much I can't wait, here is a quote that resonated with me from the wonderful Albus Dumbledore.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

I so, so, so believe this. I've recently begun to understand some of my actions the past year. If only I would have figured them out when they happened. At times I feel like I'm just observing my life rather than living it. I'm a bystander able to see what I've been doing. But by understanding I can learn and move on. It's amazing where this understanding comes from. I was reading a movie review and a line stuck out at me and said 'EXACLTY.' I love finding things when I least expect them.

In closing, my favorite quote. 'The teacher will appear when the student is ready.'

Now bring on HP!

It will be ok

Leaving work this afternoon I had this feeling come over me. It's going to be ok. No matter what happens I'll be ok. It's a relaxing feeling and it's one I needed.

Eek!

In less than a week it will be mine! I can't believe it actually. Tonight I'm going to finish Order of the Phoenix and then stew for a few days. Luckily I don't have to work Friday so I can get enough rest in order to stay up late and read. The whole thing Friday has gotten a little more complicated. Dad is going with me but my parents invited some people over after golf so unless I want to get to the store at like 11pm I have to go by myself. But he's having a couple drop him off at the bookstore so he can still drive me home. 2 years ago I had to take 3 finals and move home on the Friday the book came out. At least I dont have to take finals this time.

Last time I also rushed through the book and dind't like it. I thought it was too wordy and it definalty wans't one of her best. But after I reread it at a more lesurily pace I loved it. I'm not rushing through this book, I'm going to savor every word and really enjoy my first time. You never get to repeat a first time.

Our new addition

Welcome Nani to our family! Nani means beutiful in Hawaiian. My dad picked her up Friday night. She's 4 1/2 months old. The people that had her before moved into a house where they could only have 1 dog so they keep her mom. She's a crazy little dog. We had a boxer for 9 years but she died last January and it's taken us this long to feel ready for another dog. She's pretty good, so far no accidents in the house. She wasn't house trained but she was keep outside at hte old place. We try to take her out enough so she can't have accidents. Tomorrow will be the real challenge. She has a cage and will spend close to 10 hours in it, but seeing how she loves any stuffed animal, we need to do that so my collection of Stich will survive. She really is a cutie and I'm enjoying having a dog again, it will be better once I can trust her to actually sleep in the moring though.

Parenting

The subject of parenting has been on my mind for awhile.

First it was because in our discussions before the breakup Brian and I talked about kids. I want them one day, I feel it's part of my purpose in my life, I'm just not ready for them. He said he didn't need kids in his life. But if he did have kids he believes there SHOULD be a stay at home parent. If I was making enough money to support the family he would have no problems staying home but if I wasn't then it felt like I would be required to stay home, I would have no choice.

I come from a family with 2 working parents. I was a latchkey kid. Do I feel like I'm worse off than kids who had a stay-at-home mom? Not in the least. I feel it's all about quality time, not quanity. My parents were very active in my life. There was never a missed dance recitial (until they became second nature and the competitions were more important) or anything important. They did miss 1 basketball game in the 3 years I played but someone else came to support me then. I remember when my dad would pick me up after school we would do something at least once a week, go to the park, the library or just go visit mom at work. Both of them would always be willing to get down and play with me, no matter what. Even to this day they'll do stuff, my dad says it's because he knows one day he won't be able to do so he wants to get it all in now. He's going with me next week just to drive me home so I can read Harry Potter on the way home.

A friend of the family is on a track to nowhere right now. I grew up with her, her parents are like my parents, they're our real family because they're there for us no matter what and vice versa. Last night I was talking iwth my dad about how different me and Melissa have turned out. She has a loser boyfriend but stays with him because she doesn't like to be alone. We've decided it comes down to the differene in parenting. Her parents and my parents had a different philosphy. My dad did the exact opposite of what his dad did and my mom learned a lot form my grandparents. They always expected the best from me, pushed me to succeed, taught me what was important. I really owe my parents so much.


This is my favorite picture of me and my dad, just really shows our relationship.

The Power of words

...is amazing. They can bring you down or lift you up. The past couple of days there's been one person that just brings a smile to my face whenever I see her words, such a sense of humor. I was kinda down a minute ago and then read someone's blog and it just made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Observing others is a great learning tool. I often wonder if my words have any effect on people. Lately I've been speaking right from the heart, but does it mean anything? I have a problem of expressing myself and I still am.

Do the words "I'm sorry" really hold any power? I said them recently and really truely meant them, but did that person feel that? Do they believe me? How, through words, can I express how I am really feeling to make them believe and trust?

I love words, why else would I read so much? Gaining ideas is a powerful tool. Right now I have a pile of books on various topics, scrapbooking, romance novels, kids books, biography, history, healty eating, personal growth. I'll gain something from each one of them.

I love putting my words down on paper. I've gone back and read the various forms of journaling I have and it's amazing to see my growth and look back on those times with an objective eye. I read some of my first lj entries and am shocked at how negative they were but then I think of what was going on in my life and it makes sense. If you were to read my written journals right now you would think 10 different people wrote in them, so many ideas, moods, thoughts going on, each one uniquely mine.

Connections

It's weird how I'm thinking about somethign that happened and realizing some of the effects.

I've been in a scrapping rut for a couple months now. I just have no desire to do it, when I do it takes forever to figure out what I want to do. (this coming from the person that did over 20 pages at a 12 hour crop) Then I thought about when was the last time I did sb for real with motivation and it was the 12 hour crop. The next weekend though things changed in my life. I became single again. Everythign is harder now. My moods are wacky, I can start crying at any time and I have no motivation to do anything. It's not that I don't want to scrap, it's just when I get down to the basement all my creativity seems to leave me. I was doing good in my art journal for a few weeks and now that's gone too. My outlet is no longer there.

Speaking of the boy, I don't know what to do. Recently I've been missing him lots. Just this morning I could almost feel I was back with him, but he won't talk to me. I can understand this a little, I broke up with him. I just want to be friends right now. That's where a relationship needs to start, we lost that and need to get it back. Maybe talking to him again will help me figure things out. So cross your fingers for me that he'll actually respond to the 2 emails I've sent him that he hasn't sent back.

hmmmm

I was rereading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire last night and this line stuck out to me. “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” So, so, so true. I’m finally getting to the point where I understand my actions. Even reading a movie review turns the light bulb on. I’m loving it right now, but also hating because I don’t know what to do. This weekend was good and bad. Good because I got to talk with some people, learn some things, and do some thinking. Bad because I’m still confused, have some tough questions to ask myself and I don’t know if I can answer them.

My horoscope today….There is some likelihood that you've been a bit of a loner lately. It's as though you decided to look at things differently from the rest of the world, rejecting the individualistic viewpoint in favor of a more global one. Today, you may achieve a new phase in this process. You may attain some summit of consciousness from which you finally have the ability... to forgive!

It seems like everything is coming at me right now, right when I need it. “The teacher will appear when the student is ready” I’ve realized the only person I need to forgive is myself. I feel the way I do, not because someone did something I didn’t like, but because of my reactions to these thigns. I can’t control someone else, but I can control my thoughts and feelings. So now instead of getting mad, I’ll ask myself why am I mad and work from there. It’s actually kinda empowering if you think about it. I CONTROL MY LIFE. Very awesome words.

MID YEAR RESOLUTIONS

1) Simplify my life. Take time to enjoy my surrondings, just soke in what's going on. Get out in nature more. Only buy what I need.

2) Going along with the first one, curb my spending. I do buy a lot on a whim, the little stuff. I need to really think will I need this.

3) Submit to magazines. I want to be published someday for my scrapbooking, in ordre to do this I actually need to submit pages. I also plan on entering Creating Keepsakes Hall of Fame contest. I won't win, but it will give me experience.

4) Read 120 books this year. I'm around 50 right now. This is easier than pages to keep track of.

5) Take more risks with my 'art'. Enjoy the process and don't be so critical of what I do.

6) Make an investment by the end of the year

7) Curb my procrastination. I know it will take awhile to get rid of this but tomorrow at work I'm going to start.

8) Stay focused. I have things I want to be/do/remember but I need to get them in my line of sight so I won't forget them day after day.

9) Embrace change. I don't like it but I need to learn to deal with it.

Art Journal

Journaling reads...

I DON'T KNOW...

If I did the right thing
If I want him back
If he’ll take me back
If we’re meant to be
Is he the one?
Can we make it work if we do get back together?
What to do with my life?
Will this make me happy?
Can I be truly happy?
Can I let go?
Can I leave home?
Can compromise really be done?
Can I change?
Can I forgive myself?

The top is lyrics from a Backstreet Boys song.
Just want you to know
That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else
I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

This entry was really easy and the first one I've done in a few weeks. It was rolling around in my head since I went to the movie today and listened to soem music and did some reading. Not the best artistically but it works for me and it was really about the words.

empathy

Main Entry: em·pa·thy
Pronunciation: 'em-p&-thE
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathEs emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion -- more at PATHOS
1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this
from webster.com

I remember the first time I really learned about empathy. I was watching Funny Face with Audrey Hepburn and she was explaining it. Now I really know what it means.

Why do some people have it and others don't? At least pretend to have it. Example, about a year and a half ago Brian and I were driving back to school from a wedding. We got on the topic of Dynamics (a class we took together) and he was commenting how easy it was and how could anyone not undrestand it. Well I got a 76 in the class, so obviously it wasn't that easy for me. My schedule that term wasn't very forgiving. I had 5 hard classes that all required a lot of time. It was also my first term with 20 credits, so there was some adjustment. I was going through some personal stuff as well. I changed over the summer and my sororiety sisters were getting to me. I couldn't agree with soem of the stuff anymore, they weren't acting in ways I thought they should be acting. So overall a very stressful term so everything suffered. One the car ride he woudln't give it up, he keep going at it how easy the class was and I just sat there and got quieter and quieter, never saying a word. This, plus the fact through the entire wedding reception he keep looking at the time because he had homeowrk to do. He dropped me off and ran back to the lab to do hoemwork. I spent the night playing Uno with friends instead of with my boyfriend because he didn't have time for me.

He's a smart guy, one of those you hate becuase he never studies but still gets 100s. He has no concept what others struggle through, yet he won't even try. There was another incident with a paper I had written and he basically tore it apart. It was a 20 page paper I had put many hours into that I felt very connected to, I loved the topic and put a love of heart into it and then he goes and doesn't say one good word about it.

And the crowning moment. We're out right after Christmas of our first year together. We go into a store and he sees something he HAS to buy for his ex-girlfriend. Now this from a guy that couldn't even buy me flowers because he was so cheap, could buy a girl that supposedly broke his heart soemthing. I so wish I could have that moment back. I would have walked out of the store, showed him how much he hurt me.

This happened too many times, me not expressing my feelings. Now I'm so mad at myself because I let it happen. I've realized my main enemy is myself and I can't be happy until I forgive myself for all the things I did or didn't do.

:(

I'm having a horrible time right now. It's hit me that I hae no plans this weekend. I"m going to spend my 4 days at home doing nothing. I try to think if there is anyone I can call and they're all busy. This makes me feel like a major LOSER. It brings back so many thoughts of doubt and lonliness. This usually gets better but it hasn't for a week. I have no life right now, nothing to look forward to. I could go out but what will people think, 'how sad, she can't find anyone to do something with.'

Hopelessly addicted

This morning my mom and I went shopping.

First stop for me was JCrew, I love that store but can't afford most of the stuff. I go and drool and usually leave with one thing, moderatly priced. If the store was closer to me I'd be in there more often.

Then it was the GAP. I have a cc there so you know I shop there a lot. It's actually the only store I've found jeans that fit good in. They were having a sale but I was good and only got 2 shirts.

My downfall has been Victoria's Secret. They're having their semi-annual sale, not that I really need anything. I went in last week and got 4 bras. I love one of them, it's a push-up (not that I need it) but I love it so today I got another one, just different color. Having one of their Angel's cards does't helpthe addiction either.

Other stores I'm addicted to...Barnes and Noble, the Disney Store, any LSS, Target