Thursday, June 30, 2005

Donna Downey Inspired

After reading her book I had some thoughts about a planner. I needed one, like Franklin Covey but feel the binders they have are too big. Solution, make my own!

The planner pages I got were collage so I wanted to kinda stick with that theme. I'm happy with the outcome and the best part is I can change the cover whenever I get tired of it.

Highy Sensitive

Today I found out I’m a highly sensitive person. SHOCKER...not really. I could have told you I take things too personally, but this I think can also be a good thing. When I feel something, I feel it completely, no half way for me. I want to give the people around me all I can but it hurts when they don’t give it back. I think this was one of the problems with my relationship with Brian. I felt so much in the beginning but never felt my feelings were reciprocated so slowly I closed up until it was too late. There were too many nights in the beginning that I almost cried myself to sleep. (note to self, why did you keep this up?) I have to believe that through the course of the relationship his feelings came closer to what mine were from the start.

Thinking about this now, it’s part of the reason I’m not looking for another guy. Sure some of my friends tell me I need to find someone new and move on, but I can’t. (They even check out guys and tell me what stores they’re working in :-P) Even though I’m the one that ended it, I’m not over it. I gave one person a HUGE part of my life for a year and a half, more than I’d ever given someone else, I can’t just move on. I believe I owe it to myself and to Brian to give myself some time to discover who I am by myself. Work on the areas I need to.

I think, at least in some respect, I tried to be the person my partner wanted me to be so I give up a little of myself. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it is bad. I am different from who I was before I dated Brian, I like some of the things that have changed, they won’t be leaving, but some of the stuff wasn’t me. I need to make changes that make me feel like myself still.

I know now I’m not one of those people that need to have someone to FEEL complete. How can you rely on someone else to do that for you? If you do, you’ll never be happy. I need to feel complete single so that when I decide I’m ready for another relationship I can be complete with that person, rather than because of that person.

I wonder at the people that jump from relationship to relationship, do they not respect themselves, do they now know how to just be, do they not respect the people around them? The people I’ve seen that have jumped into relationships very soon after another ended have all turned out bad. They weren’t ready to fully love, to give fully. Don’t you owe it to the new person to be 100% theirs and not have half of you still dealing with the loss? If someone could explain that to me I would greatly appreciate it. My only thought is that you didn’t really care about the person you were just with so losing them wasn’t that big a deal. It’s like losing a sock, you shrug your shoulders and get another one out of the drawer.

I think of what I’m going through as a type of mourning. That someone/something died, because it did. You pay respect to the dead, why can’t you do the same for ended relationships?

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Random thought process

I actually went to work today, but was only there half the day. Today was company picnic day, off base. I got to work, did what I could and figured I had nothing I really wanted to work on, nothing that had to be done today so I went and socialized. I need to do that more often. I feel comfortable with the people I was with today, maybe its because we went through something so intense together.

ILDC reminds me of the SAB days. You built that bond because noone else understood what you went through, you were a team and got through as a team. I miss those days.

I'm getting a new boss at work. Not sure how I feel. Sure I don't think my current boss is the best leader but I do feel sorry that he lost his job (he'll be moving to a different department, whereever they have room). But I'm also looking forward to seeing what the new guy will do. I like the new guy, I just need to step it up.

I bought a new planner today, well kinda new, got the filler pages from Franklin Covey and made my own cover. I'm going to try to schedule and stop procrastinating. Block out my time so I get things done during the day. It will be about 6 Hours of Power (hey, I need some fun time). It's time to refocus my life in every aspect.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I've learned

...that you can say you love someone but you never know how deeply until that realtionship is over.

...that wanting it to work isn't always enough.

....that I'm an awesome person that anyone should feel lucky to love.

...that you can either run away from your problems or face them head on. And as easy as it is to run away, there's a better sense of accomplishment when you face them head on.

...I need to be with people that I love myself with.

...that I'd rather have the truth than some line even if the truth hurts more.

...that my real friends are those that will listen to my craziness even when they've heard it a million times.

...that truely good guys are very hard to find.

...I can't compromise who I am for anyone.

...even though it hurts I am better off.

I hate...

I need a friend to cry to. And I have noone.

I just finished The Second Summer of the Sisterhood and envy the relationship the girls have. They team up when one of the others is donw. I need something like that.

I need that friend I can call up anytime about anything that will either plot someone's death or give me the push I need.

I hate this feeling of worthlessness and helplessness.

I hate feeling sick and being overemotional.

I wish feelings would go away and I could survive as a zombie, at least then my heart wouldn't be broken.

I'm scared that I'll never find someone else, I'm not the most social person so how will I meet someone new now that I'm done with school?

I hate that I feel useless, that I mean nothing to anyone, like I exist in my own little world and everyone else ignores me and enjoys their life.

Most of all I hate that I can let one person ahve this effect on me. I'm the one that broke it off, I shouldn't be the one that's miserable.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Update of sorts

I'll start with the non-emotional stuff. I'm still sick, this weekend it's been the cough. Right now if I cough I get a headache, it's horrible. I think back to when I had larengitis and wonder if it's happening agian. I actually went out on Friday and bought cough syrup, I hate that stuff, but if it works I'll drink it. If I'm still feeling horrible tomorrow I'm canceling the trip and going to the doctor instead. (having said that I'll probably make a recovery tonight and be fine tomorrow)

Saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith yesterday. It was a pretty good movie, Brad looked good.

Cropped for a few hours today. I meet up with some friends and we headed out. I got some stuff done. Hawaii will be done some time this year. :) I left early though because my head was pounding.

It's been a weird weekend and I blame part of it on PMS. I get too emotional. I think about things I shouldn't think about. Like, why if it was a 'nice' breakup do we not talk. How can you go from having someone so important in your life to them basically disappearing? I think that's the worse part. I still like Brian, it was just the point where I had to decide if it was forever.

I've been thinking a lot about how we are raised and how it influences who we are now. From the little things like grocery lists to the big things like kids. I've always gotten along well with my parents, home has always been a place of comfort. When I was sick at school all I wanted to do was come home and lay on the couch, at home I was with people that cared about me. I think this is the reason I never thought about leaving after college. Why leave if things are good and work is close enough to drive to? I never even really thought about living with someone before marriage. I've heard too many things about it. I mean one of you would 'own' where you were living and they could kick the other out at any time, there was no guarentees. Home is always a guarentee.

I hate roadblocks, it seems I hit one once in awhile. I go along fine and then BAM. 2 steps forward, 1 back, my life is that neverending cycle. I wish I had the answers.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Maybe it wasn't so bad

My mom is dragging me to yoga.

I decided while in the first class last week I would use it as a way to simplify, really think abot the important things in life. Remember the most important thing is breathing.

This came in handy today. I had a meeting, didn't go as I would have liked, then I come back to discuss it with my boss and someone else tells me it's all wrong and want to start a fight. They need to calm down and let me talk. Explain the situation as I see it and then they can calmly give me their advice. Don't yell and tell me I'm wrong, the person I meet with is wrong. Nothing will get done if everyone is on the defensive.

I was upset for a few minutes and then I thought about breathing, letting go and just really thinking about the problem. There is nothing I can do today about it so why let it bother me until I need to. T hat said my phone will not be answered due to the fact I know who is calling and I don't want to talk to them. :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Personal Mission Statement

I was just cleaning out some stuff at work and found a personal mission statement I wrote during a class. It says...

I choose to live my life for me, to be more open with myself and others, to give back, to only do things that make me feel alive, to lead by example, and never accept anything but the best.
It's good to remind myself of this every so often so I actually live my life that way.

....and the lighbulb turns on

I think I might finally be ‘getting it’.

This past weekend was graduation for the rest of the class I started Kettering with. I took my camera for some play time. I took a couple pictures of people getting their diploma and then thought, ‘Am I really going to scrap these pics? Is that what I want to remember about today?’ My answer was no. I realized I wanted to remember seeing friends again, and just being with the girls. We got a picture or 2 of that and those are the memories I’ll cherish.

One of my friends, who is also a scrapper, mentioned where she is in the year with her pictures. She made is sound like she’s so far behind. I told her I stopped scrapping in order and just do the pictures that I want to at that moment. I mean if you really want to think about it, I’m over a year behind, but I’m ok with that. I want to tell the story I want to tell at that time and why should I be forced tell the stories I don’t feel like right now?

This is really a cool feeling. It’s something that’s been coming for awhile but it’s great when I realize I get it.

Monday, June 20, 2005

The first one

hmmm, what to write here?

Today is a tired day, didn't get much sleep last night.

I have gotten a couple things done today but not enough. Actually I haven't gotten enough done in awhile.

What is enough though? For example I have this huge pile of magazines waiting to be read. Last week I said I'd read one a day and I'd be done in a couple weeks but so far I've read 4.5, so I'm a little behind.

I know I'll never be done with anything but something would be nice.

I'm about to make my half year resolutions while checking in with what I said at the beginning of the year. We'll see how those go, I need to start the change somewhere but the first step is always the hardest.