empathy

Main Entry: em·pa·thy
Pronunciation: 'em-p&-thE
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathEs emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion -- more at PATHOS
1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this
from webster.com

I remember the first time I really learned about empathy. I was watching Funny Face with Audrey Hepburn and she was explaining it. Now I really know what it means.

Why do some people have it and others don't? At least pretend to have it. Example, about a year and a half ago Brian and I were driving back to school from a wedding. We got on the topic of Dynamics (a class we took together) and he was commenting how easy it was and how could anyone not undrestand it. Well I got a 76 in the class, so obviously it wasn't that easy for me. My schedule that term wasn't very forgiving. I had 5 hard classes that all required a lot of time. It was also my first term with 20 credits, so there was some adjustment. I was going through some personal stuff as well. I changed over the summer and my sororiety sisters were getting to me. I couldn't agree with soem of the stuff anymore, they weren't acting in ways I thought they should be acting. So overall a very stressful term so everything suffered. One the car ride he woudln't give it up, he keep going at it how easy the class was and I just sat there and got quieter and quieter, never saying a word. This, plus the fact through the entire wedding reception he keep looking at the time because he had homeowrk to do. He dropped me off and ran back to the lab to do hoemwork. I spent the night playing Uno with friends instead of with my boyfriend because he didn't have time for me.

He's a smart guy, one of those you hate becuase he never studies but still gets 100s. He has no concept what others struggle through, yet he won't even try. There was another incident with a paper I had written and he basically tore it apart. It was a 20 page paper I had put many hours into that I felt very connected to, I loved the topic and put a love of heart into it and then he goes and doesn't say one good word about it.

And the crowning moment. We're out right after Christmas of our first year together. We go into a store and he sees something he HAS to buy for his ex-girlfriend. Now this from a guy that couldn't even buy me flowers because he was so cheap, could buy a girl that supposedly broke his heart soemthing. I so wish I could have that moment back. I would have walked out of the store, showed him how much he hurt me.

This happened too many times, me not expressing my feelings. Now I'm so mad at myself because I let it happen. I've realized my main enemy is myself and I can't be happy until I forgive myself for all the things I did or didn't do.